Can't Help It
by fall like rain
Summary: Sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with. BuffySpike post Once More With Feeling
1. Patrolling as usual

A/N OK, so this my first posted story. (yay) I hope you all enjoy it and I'll update as frequently as possible. Of course if people left reviewsI would be more encouraged to update it. Really. Tell me what youliked about it, what you didn't like, suggestions about it, guess whats going to happen next, whatever.I'm notexactly sure where thisstory is going yet so if you have any ideas you want share that'd be great, too. Happy reading!

Can't Help It

Sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with. Buffy/Spike post "Once More With Feeling"

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The Slayer walked through the cemetery. Patrolling as usual. Well, trying to anyway. She just had so many other things on her mind. Like the fact that her friends had ripped her out of heaven…and now they knew. All because of some stupid music demon that Xander had to go and summon. She loved her friends, she did, but…lately…all they've done is cause her pain. And it's not getting better because she still has to try to act OK around them, so they don't feel more guilty. And she already felt guilty because she made them feel guilty in the first place and…it was very complicated. 

The only person that she felt she could be herself around was…

_Whoa, Buffy, don't go there._

She was not going to think about him. She hadn't seen him since the kiss and she would like to keep it that way. She had no idea why she kissed him, but…

_Oh come on, you know that's a lie. you know exactly why you kissed him. You've always known. _Said the evil little voice in her head that always told the truth, whether she wanted to hear it or not. It was this same voice that informed that she was over Angel and never loved Riley.

_Oh, you, shut up. _Buffy silently told herself.

"Great, now I'm arguing with myself," she muttered.

As she continued to walk, stake in hand, she felt the familiar feeling of someone coming at her from behind. Without paying attention to how her spidey senses felt different, she turned around, stake raised, and came face to face with…Spike.

Upon seeing him panic hit Buffy, but she quickly shoved it down. Along with the surprisingly strong desire to kiss him again.

_OK Buff, gotta turn him down completely. I am **not** getting into another vampire relationship._

"Can we talk?"

"Ummm…let me think…_no_!"

"Oh come on, we need to talk. We…" he sighed, "We kissed, Buffy. Does that mean nothing to you?"

She could hear the pain in his voice and it broke her heart. But, she would not give in to it. It may hurt…but she had to push him away.

_Please stop making this hard._

"Spike, I kissed you but…" she had a whole mini speech planned that would have shut him down completely. But then she looked up at him and into his eyes. Those bluer than blue eyes. And she saw the love in them, and the hope, and the fear. She couldn't do it; she just couldn't break his heart. And it was in that moment that she realized that she really didn't want to either. She looked up at him again and she knew he sensed the change in her.

"Buffy..?" he said expectantly.

But hearing his voice shook her out of the trance that his glittering eyes had put her in. Fear gripped her like an iron fist as she stared up at him like a deer caught in the headlights. Not knowing what else to do she turned and ran away from him as fast as she could. And Spike just stood there in bewilderment as he watched her go.

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Yup, so that was the first chapter. Promise to update as soon as I can. please R&R 


	2. Life Goes On For Everyone Else

Chapter 2- Life Goes On…For Everyone Else

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It had been a few days since Buffy's confusing meeting with Spike in the graveyard. Since then things had gotten insanely crazy and then eventually calmed down ( for the most part).

Willow had been showing a growing addiction to her magick lately and Tara finally called her on it. The result was the biggest fight they had ever had. It began with screaming, lies, and Tara threatening to leave. But it had ended with sad embraces, tears, and Willow promising to quit for good. Things were still shaky between them but you could already tell that they were going to work things out.

As for the other Scooby Gang couple it was a slightly different story. Things between Xander and Anya seemed to be running hot and cold lately. One extreme to another. They were either so lovey-dovey that it made you physically ill to be in the same room with them…or…they were bickering like an old married couple (already). Either way anyone in their presence couldn't help but notice the obvious love radiating between the two. However, they had already begun the frighteningly large amount of planning that they had to get done and pre-wedding jitters were making them both extremely nervous. Being around them was, to say the least, intense.

The other Scoobies were also equally engrossed in their own lives. Giles had moved back to England (although he would return temporarily for Xander and Anya's wedding). He realized that Buffy was an adult now and she needed to deal with her life on her own. Learn from her own mistakes. Although she wasn't ecstatic about his decision, she understood where he was coming from and let him go with a sweet, slightly tear-filled goodbye.

And as for Dawn, well, she was completely wrapped up in her teenage life: friends, school, boys, and shopping. Buffy hardly ever saw her but when she did Dawn was as bubbly and happy as ever.

So all her friends (and even her little sister!) were entirely wrapped up in their own important lives.

But Buffy was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. She wished things were the way they were before; pre-Glory. When she was wrapped in _her _own life: college, loving _human_ boyfriend, Scooby Gang, and slaying. She didn't even know yet if she was going back to college, but odds were she'd have some kind of job either way. The Scooby Gang was busy with their own lives and slaying was…well…slaying. And as for the whole boyfriend thing that brings her back to most recent problem: Spike.

Spike.

She just didn't know what to do about him. She had feelings for him. She did. But was that enough? If she allowed herself to fall in love with him what would happen? The way she looked at it she had three options.

She could completely deny her feelings for him and push him out of her life for good. _Oh, yeah that sounds like fun. Break the man I practically loves heart. Great plan, Buff. Besides, how could I do that to him? After everything he did for Dawn? For me? No. That's not an option anymore. Too much has happened._

She could explain to him that all she wants is friendship with him and hope he'll be ok with that. _I like that one. It's safe and easy and I don't have to admit how I feel. I could hide behind a mask of friendship until these confusing feelings go away. I won't be hurting him and I won't be risking anything…Yup, I like this plan._

But then there was the oddly tempting third option: tell the truth. _Tell him I care about him deeply and could completely fall in love with him. See joy light up his eyes. I could potentially be incredibly happy if I told him how I feel…but I don't think I have the guts to do it. So many things could go wrong. It could ruin everything. And how would the Scooby Gang react?_

Buffy sat on her couch weighing the decision in her mind.

_What I am I going to do?_

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Hope you enjoyed. I promise Spike will be in the next chapter. Please review! 


	3. Blood and Smokes

Chap 3- Blood and Smokes

Blood swam. Blood flowed. It glistened and shined and glimmered. A thick, sweet metallic tang cleansing his mouth and gliding down his throat. All hot and life-like. Making him warm, making him whole…making him _feel_. _Plus, it's probably filled with some alcoholic drink that'll make me deliciously numb soon._

Spike took another drink of his spiked blood (no pun intended) and looked around. He was at Willy's. Where else would he be when he wanted to get sloshed and forget about everything? Including the slayer. She had been confusing the hell out of him lately with her roller coaster of emotions.

"I mean sure, the chit got pulled outta heaven, that stings yeah, but can't she take it out on the people that actually did it and not the fella who loves her and is trying to help her?"

He noticed other demons staring at him and realized he had said that out loud.

"Bugger. Drink must be working then. Give us another one, Willy."

"Yeah. Yeah, sure, Spike. Comin' right up."

Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. No matter what he did it always came back to her.

"An' the girl will never know wha' the hell she soddin' wants. Like I said…seventy-six bloody trombones…"

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was talking out loud again…but he just didn't care. His accent got thicker the more he drank and he was losing control of his t's.

"I mean, come on, could she _decide _already! One day she hates me, then we're allies, then we're friends, then we _kiss_, and now she's back to hating me. I know last year she just hated me but at least she was consistent."

And yet…and yet he wondered.

There was something different about her the other night in the graveyard. Something…changed.

"Girl troubles man?" said Willy in an attempt to get more money and possibly useful information and demon gossip out of him. But, Spike was just pissed that Willy broke his train of thought. Which, seeing that he was drunk, was going kinda slow already.

"Piss off, Willy. I'm not in the mood." he growled at him. Willy took the hint and left.

Pulling his pack out, Spike lit a fag and continued to think about Buffy. Had he been imagining things? Had he really become so pathetic that his hopeful, wishful thinking was becoming a delusion? For some reason he didn't think so. There was something in her eyes that night. She had some kind of realization and it had scared the crap out of her.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he rubbed his eyes and stretched a bit. He could already feel himself sobering up. Stupid vampire stamina.

"Come on mate. You're not going to figure out the mystery that is Buffy Summers here."

He put a few bucks on the counter and left the bar.

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He walked through the cemetery hoping to run into a demon or two. It would take his mind off her. Besides, it was almost sunrise and he usually needed a spot of violence before bedtime. Lucky for him violence that night was in pretty good supply.

Four vamps were walking through when they spotted Spike. They were decked out in typical vampire fashion. The one in the middle with fuzzy hair was an older, more experienced demon, but the other three were fledglings.

"Hey look it's the Slayer's pet vampire William the Formerly Bloody!"

They all started laughing at the ring leader's dumb joke. Spike, however, just ignored them and started fighting. He wanted a good brawl, not an exchange of pathetic verbal barbs.

He quickly dusted the two on the right and chuckled as the one on the left ran away. That left Fuzz Head. He snarled at Spike, "Please, you think you're so tough. They were just fledglings. But, I'm gonna be a challenge for you."

"And that's exactly what I was looking for, mate." he said with ferocious fangy grin, his usual blue eyes turning a deep golden yellow.

They exchanged punches and kicks. Back and forth and back and forth. Fuzz Head wasn't half-bad for such an idiot, even though Spike could've killed him by now. But then who would he fight? After a few minutes though, his smug grin was just pissing Spike off. So, he kicked his legs out from under him and plunged the stake into his heart.

"Well it wasn't _that_ great, but it was good enough" he said to the rapidly disappearing dust.

"I'll bet you say that to all the vamps" a voice said behind him.

He turned around, a bit startled, "Buffy?"

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Oh the suspense…yes, I can be evil ;) Next chap: Buffy and Spike finally talk. Please review! 


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